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              因隔代撫養觀念沖突 或致孩子"多面人"

              作者:admin
              發布時間 2016年-04月-11日
              來源: 新啟航教育
              點擊:
              爺爺奶奶外公外婆管生活,爸爸媽媽帶上培訓班或外出游玩:一個是生活上的“爹媽”,另一個則是精神上的“爹媽”或者“玩伴”。隔代撫養已不是新鮮事,“雙爹媽”現象產生的
              由廣東東方心理分析研究院、廣州圖書館、廣州市少年宮等主辦的“足夠好的母親與兒童成長”公益講座在廣州圖書館舉行。主講嘉賓——華南師范大學教授、聯合國兒童基金會特聘專家高嵐表示,“盡管祖父母的關心與照顧,增加了家庭親情的氣氛與力量,但是由于家庭界限不明、角色不清,太多撫養者同時進入”,給現在的孩子帶來焦慮與壓力,為了減少最親的人之間的矛盾,一些四五歲的孩子已經會為爸爸媽媽編造各種理由,長此以往其人格發展會受到挑戰。
                
                帶孫子的老年人比例達66.47%
                
                根據中國老齡中心的調查,目前我國幫助子女照顧孫子女的老年人比例達66.47%。2歲半以前的兒童,主要由祖父母照顧的占總數的60%~70%,其中有30%的兒童甚至是被放在祖父母家里撫養照顧。3歲以后,大部分兒童上幼兒園,祖父母直接撫養的比例會下降至40%左右。
                
                實際上,不僅在中國,隔代教養在外國的華人社區亦十分常見,且近年來有不斷增加的趨勢。全球兒童安全組織發布的報告中引用2012年的統計指出,與2005年相比較,美國隔代教養家庭在華人社區的比率增加了23%,過去這一比率不到10%。因父母工作忙碌,孩童由祖父母照顧。
                
                老人管生活爸媽把娃當“玩具”
                
                雖然隔代撫養在中國并不新鮮,但80后由于成長經歷等原因,在與父母共同撫養孩子的過程中,“雙爹媽”情況更凸顯。
                
                高嵐分析,80后是獨生子女第一代,從小背起了家族的期望,“只能成功不能失敗”,在成長過程中常常覺得壓抑,與父母關系緊張,認為家庭生活難以得到樂趣,對于如何撫養好孩子感到焦慮。另一方面,由于社會競爭日益激烈,80后父母自己在生活與工作中也面對巨大的壓力。
                
                由此一來,在一定程度上,80后父母會將照料孩子的生活讓位給祖父母,而不自覺地認為自己就是帶孩子上培訓班或者外出游玩,在無形中孩子變成了有兩種不同的父母:生活上依賴的父母,外在世界上要求的父母。“最典型的現象是,在某些80后的家庭中,孩子有時會成為父母的‘玩具’。年輕父母回到家中,給孩子裝扮成各種形象然后拍照放上網。但在生活上的照顧卻不多。”
                隔代撫養引發后果
                
                兩代家長理念差異大常起沖突
                
                80后的特點是生活能力較差,但大多受過高等教育。在生活上依賴父母、在教育理念上卻與父母有巨大差異,自然會產生分歧與沖突。而此時,80后又會將自己在成長中所遭遇到的與父母的矛盾與問題,投射到自己孩子與孩子祖父母的關系中,導致矛盾難以調和。
                
                “很多時候沖突并不是因為事件大小引起的,僅是某些矛盾的爆發。而孩子的祖父母,則多認為辛辛苦苦帶孩子還引來諸多不滿,感到很委屈,現在流行的一些教育方法,他們也覺得不能接受。”
                
                孩子長期處于沖突中易自我毀滅
                
                高嵐表示,家庭是孩子成長的最安全而可靠的基地,當這個基地不安全、有沖突、缺乏足夠的接納與包容,或者太過于封閉的時候,孩子都會遭遇到成長的困擾,或者出現相應的問題。
                
                長期處于代際沖突或者父母沖突中的孩子,其人格發展會受到挑戰,有可能會發展出虛假自我。虛假自我是指一個人壓抑自己的觀點、思想和情感。長期表現虛假的自我會導致缺少愛好、壓抑綜合征以及低自我價值,嚴重的情況下還可能會使人做出自我毀滅的行為。
                
                “比如我遇到過一個6歲的小女孩,長期與父母和外公外婆住在一起。爸爸在家里常被指責不做家務、只會看電視等,于是回家的時間越來越少。女孩的外公外婆常在小女孩面前指責爸爸,到后來,外公外婆一說爸爸,小女孩就會為爸爸編借口,說‘我爸爸在開會呀’,或者‘我爸爸要加班呀’。有時在家里出現矛盾時,小女孩甚至會偷偷打電話給爸爸,告訴爸爸回家后應該如何說。”一些孩子為了不讓最親的人之間產生矛盾,常要面對不同的人說不同的話,甚至編造謊言,“小小年紀反而成了最操心的人”。
                
                另一個極端案例是成人之間的沖突與矛盾不斷,但每個成人又會不停地討好孩子,使孩子最終無法承受。“這個孩子長期面對父母之間的互相指責,媽媽與奶奶的吵架、外公對爸爸的不滿,但這些人又都在討好她,最后她用自我傷害的方式來懲罰所有的人,包括她自己。”
                
                專家建議別在孩子面前產生情緒沖突
                
                如何減少沖突給孩子帶來的傷害?高嵐認為,作為祖父母,首先要遵從父母的角色和意見,否則孩子容易搖晃。而作為80后父母,應該更多地承擔作為父母的角色而非將孩子當“玩具”。3歲以前,父母最好每天能有3個小時專心陪伴自己孩子的時間。
                
                如果在孩子的日常生活上有矛盾,大家可以心平氣和地討論,彼此達成協議。此時最好能先了解兒童的成長階段和需求,而非簡單化地使用新的或者舊的育兒方法。“最重要的一點,任何時候都不要在孩子面前產生情緒性的沖突,此時孩子會無法平衡自己。如果可以心平氣和地談,沒有關系,但如果出現情緒沖突,雙方應該馬上結束,再找合適的時機討論。”
               
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